I knew the first full week of school was going to be hard, but I am exhausted and it is only Tuesday. There are many reasons I am tired. Between school, routine, extracurricular activities, being a single mom, other people's unnecessary nonsense taking up my time, AND I started my physical therapy today, I am just plain worthless this afternoon! Humor always makes me feel better. I found these hoping for a pick me up so maybe I can get something accomplished today. I think I worked too hard around the house yesterday!
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school."
This little old lady was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son # 1 bought her a 15 room mansion.
Son # 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur.
Son # 3 found her a parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could tell him any of your troubles and the parrot could give you a good answer out of the Bible, word for word.
The old lady said to the first son, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
An old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "no way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guys says, "you're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give a drink?"
he bartender says "ok". Deal says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamsters on the bar and it runs to the end of the of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing gershwin songs. And the hamsters is really good.
The bartender says, "you're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamsters is truly good on the piano." the guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another."Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.He has a marvelous voice and a great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.The guys says" it's a deal." he takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.""Not so," says the guy. "The hamsters is also a ventriloquist."