Sunday, June 10, 2012

I Know I Am Not In Control........

     I know I am not in control, I know I am not in control, I know I am not in control....

Maybe if I write that on the blackboard (do they even have those anymore?!) 100 times it will sink in!

     People have all kinds of different things they use as security devices like blankets, lucky charms, pacifiers, etc.  I have figured out mine is my kids.  No joke.  I just don't feel "right" when we aren't all together.  They are getting older and I am not supposed to have them around all the time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

     My daughter, Miss Social Butterly, is always doing something.  I am so glad she has so many different friends and is always on the go.  Sometimes  A lot of times, she is out doing volunteer work so I really shouldn't complain about that at all. 

     My older son is away at football camp.  I am REALLY glad he is able to go and be with teammates and the coaches, but it feels weird not having him at home.  I have realized how much more free time I have, though, not feeding him 24/7!  He went to this same camp last year and he still talks about it, so I know he is having a blast.

     My younger son stays at my brother or sister's house playing with cousins.  That is good too because they are more like siblings than cousins.  He does love to torment my sister, though.  I swear some days she is going to send him home and not let him back in!  He teases her about her cooking and anything else that he knows gets to her.

     I don't think I will ever not worry about the kids with they aren't with me.  I have to remind myself that even though I think I am in control, I am not.  God is.  And whether they are with me or out on their own I am not now, or have ever been in control.  I kind of think about it like I have been a chaperone all this time.  BUT, it doesn't make it any easier on my nerves when I worry way more than I should.  It has just been the four of us for quite some time and I have gotten used to it being that way.  We are very close, but I just don't feel whole when we aren't all together.  I know that's silly, but I have been a stay at home mom for so many years that I don't know anything but being with them and taking care of them.

     They are so sweet, though, and always encourage me to get out and do things.  I would like to think they are just thinking about me, but I have come to the conclusion of what it really is.  They want me to have other things going on so they can feel better and not like they are leaving me when they do eventually move out and do the things they are supposed to.  They are weaning me instead of the other way around.

     My grandmother and grandfather divorced when I was really little and she used to float from house to house with her three children and their families.  She had two boys and a girl too, but her's were the opposite with my aunt being the youngest.  I always thought that looked pretty good!  She would have dinner with a different family each night and tagged along with the family that happened to be taking a vacation.  My dad, aunt, and uncle wouldn't have had it any other way, though.  She was always so much fun to be around and I can't imagine growing up with her not around.

So....................... even though I may not be in control, I can still be at somebody's dinner table or in the car of whoever is taking a trip!  They can't get rid of me that easily!

The way I see it, they will owe me a couple of dinners and vacations!

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