Thursday, March 6, 2014

Let Me Be Clear

    I want to elaborate a little on what I wrote yesterday.  First of all, I don't feel like I have to take my blog in any certain direction anymore.  I normally write about what is on my mind at the time and that is what I enjoy and will continue to do.  The title of my blog makes it appear to be just about single motherhood, but it is my life as a single mom.  It is how I see things through the experiences
I have had becoming and being a single mom.  I enjoy writing about different things and not being limited.

     Part of me felt like I needed to give more information and put more emphasis on being a single parent.  I could use this as a place for resources and my experiences with the legal system, but I really don't want to do that.  Putting it bluntly, the system sucks and there isn't much anyone can do about it.  What we can do is focus on the big picture and let God handle our worries.  My faith and prayers will do a lot more good than any resources I can give because the system is unpredictable.  God is not.  I prayed and thought I was being a good Christian, but looking back I would have saved myself a lot of frustration if I had just given it up to God.  He took care of us anyway.  The way things unfolded, a year ago today the kids were able to change their last names to mine.  The way we were given a judge that was not supposed to be our judge that day to being put in a small court room with only one other case that day it was completely evident God was in control.  Some things have happened since that day last year that have showed us even more that God was taking care of us all along.

     It was about a week after this day in court we found out my dad had Hodgkins Lymphoma. During this last year, I have done more thinking on a spiritual level than I have at any other time in my life.  I have looked back at many times in my life and have seen things in a whole different way than I did at the time.

    My dad lost both of his parents to terrible, painful cancer deaths.  The last word I heard my grandfather say was my name.  I can still see the pain in his eyes, but him trying not to let me know how much he was hurting.  My grandmother was very brave, but her last year was just awful.  They weren't offered hope with their illnesses.  Maybe an inch with my grandmother, but my grandfathers was very fast once we knew what was wrong.  My dad has been given a lot of hope.  They are still trying to cure him and if it doesn't work there are options that have kept people around for years. He has started the process this week for a stem cell transplant using his own cells. We are not anywhere near the first or last to have to go through this.  It is going to be a hard process for my dad and very hard for us to see him go through it.  When the fear and sadness hit I just tell myself this is in God's hands and plan.  What is scary and new to us isn't to God.  We just have to trust and know that all of this is happening for a reason and it will be ok because it is His will.  I don't believe my dad is done here, I think God is taking us in a different direction and I just want to pay attention.

     I wanted to clear up that while I have had some ideas become very clear to me, I am not or was not before a complete Christian idiot.  I knew before that my life is for God and I have a purpose here.  I have known all my life that the goal is to get to Heaven. I have just had things become very specific and crystal clear.  Being a parent, especially a single one, I am like everyone else.  I know these things, but life gets in the way.  There are daily activities we have to do, I have just had the light bulb come on that I let some things in those daily activities cloud my purpose of being on this earth.  I want my house to be clean because of health reasons, but there are some things that just don't matter.  My kids have to do their homework, bills have to be paid, but there are many things in the day that really can wait.

     God just wants us to give each day to Him.  Things can't be so busy that we don't include Him in our day.  I need to wake up, give my day to God, and keep Him with me all day.  Just praying before dinner and going to sleep isn't enough.  If we start our day with God and talk to Him during the day like we do our family and friends, then He will make sure those "have to" activities fall into place.  I will go back to this many times in future posts especially as we go through this difficult time, I just wanted to say that there is a difference in how we keep God with us daily and how we keep Him with us all day.

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